“If you spill any let us know.”

Between the first doctor’s appointment and the referral to the fertility clinic I was required to provide a sample of semen for analysis. Roughly translated to; I was required to have the strangest wank of my life, into a plastic cup in a weird masturbation dungeon.

I arrived for my appointment, plastic cup in hand feeling, and no doubt looking like I was on my way along the green mile to old sparky to be executed. I was met at the reception by a woman old enough to be my mum, for some reason it’s just so much more embarrassing when it’s a mature lady. She told me to take a seat as both rooms where occupied. So, I did I sat in my seat still clutching on to my ‘love cup’ thinking to myself.

“I’m sure they give it a good wipe down after another blokes been in there, I’m sure they do.”

Well, if they did it can’t have been a thorough wipe down because no sooner had I thought about leaving I was met again by the nurse. “Follow me.” she said as we walked to the masturbation station. She led me into a dimly lit room. In it was an arm chair a tv and a sink. She explained the process to me.

“This is where you will give your sample, there are headphones available on the wall if you need them just open the packaging and take them out. The tv is available to watch with films if you need them. Once you have finished pop your sample into this unit and pull the chord, this will let us know and we will take the sample from the room on other side of the wall.”

Then she uttered the final immortal words.

“If you spill any of your sample let us know.”

Then poof she vanished in a cloudy haze. I was left alone to have the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had with myself. This is how it went;

Q – Shall I sit in the chair?

A – You are not sitting in that chair; do you know how many naked arses have sat in the armchair of shame!

Q – Did she say that they are in a room on the other side of this wall.

A – Yes she did, they’re in there timing you, probably having bets on how long you’ll last or if you’ll be able to get it up at all. This better be the quietest wank you’ve ever had mate.

Q – Am I going to watch the porn?

A – Of course you are, you’re not leaving here without seeing what the NHS porn stash is like! Just don’t unpack the headphones and they will never know.

Q – Did she say “if you spill any let us know?” will I spill it? How will I spill it? Will I even produce enough to spill?

A – God knows pal, lets just get on with it and get out of here.

I’m glad to say that I managed it and left with any dignity I still had. The truth is, it was awkward and it wasn’t a nice experience. I felt embarrassed and even ashamed throughout. When I got home though and Kate asked how it had gone I lied. I said that it was fine. It wasn’t fine at all but I knew that she had gone through so much more already and would have to go through much more invasive and awkward procedures. So, I played it down and pretended that it didn’t bother me because I’d heard people say, ‘all the man has to do is have a wank.’ Pep talk number three;

DON’T PLAY DOWN YOUR OWN FEELINGS, DON’T BELITTLE YOUR EXPERIENCES AND EMOTIONS.

Just because your wife or your partner is having a difficult time that doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to let people know that you are too. You wouldn’t say to someone who had just had their leg cut off, “come on mate cheer up there are people out there who have had both their legs cut off.” You can’t compare your experiences with your partners, or anyone else’s for that matter. You are allowed to be sad, embarrassed, anxious and any other emotion that you are feeling. Don’t look to anyone else for validation.

So that was it. My first sample provided and it all went swimmingly (pun intended.)

My next blog entry will pick up from our first appointment, this time at the right clinic. I hope you’ll come back!